After having a month jobless, now i realize how life can be so hard. My dad is a civil servant whose salary not much, he has to pay for my tution, my life accomodation, and i'm glad i will be graduating soon. But... My brother just graduated high school, he has to get in to university, he failed more than 5 tests in various ways, he got in to private university which has high tuition payment, it's five times mine. I don't know how my parents will handle it. Yet, they still have to take care of my sister, who hasn't been able to take care of herself.
I don't know maybe this is my bad day. My brother went to the bank this morning to pay his tuition, i was asked to accompany him, but i acted like i didn't care, i wanted him to be brave to do anything by himself, to be independent, because i was too. My sister had a fight with my mother over a can of wafer, what the hell. And my dad who used to be a balancing beam had to go on business trip. And i'm useless.
I need a high salary job, maybe overseas, sure it'll be scary out there, but i have to be strong no matter what happen. There, i can practice my english too, so i don't have to pay extra for ielts course, i have a living course there. Yet, if i paid in dollar, it'll be multiplied in rupiahs.
I wanna help my dad so bad. I can take my master studies later, even though i'm given scholarship, i just wanna help my dad first, now.
i mean... What was that?
It's been like a cycle for me, hot and cold every period of time.
Once i said i'd had enough, but the world conspired to drag me from the start again, and then it's being like this and that, until i came to the 'had enough' feeling again. I wonder why it is always coming back to it. I guess what you said sincere wasn't sincere enough either to make it crystal white clear out of the situation or completely close the door. How many times do i have to tell myself to call it quit?
and that's the intro of what i'll be writing about.
so recently, i found out that my dearest friend, Mr. B is engaged. Of course the whole world must've been shocked, he's only my age (maybe older one or two years - i'm 21), he hasn't had his graduation yet, i mean, it's such a young age, i know it doesn't mean they will get married soon, but... yeah you know.
i discussed it with Mr. H, he's such a poetical person that sometimes i don't get him. He was once having his heart broken by a girl, he mourned for a long time and expressed every single feeling in writing, and now he's being such an expert in love. He told me how he wanted to bring his parents to a girl house, but they refused, because they thought it was too soon and they thought he hadn't been ready yet, well he hasn't been graduated, he even hasn't finished his thesis, i mean... c'mon -___-. He asked me to read his writing on a post, it says :
Kalau ada yang bilang bahwa puncak dari cinta adalah doa, maka aku rasa batas akhir dari cinta adalah kerelaan. Karena aku tidak pernah sepakat bahwa cinta itu tidak harus memiliki.that's the first paragraph of his writing which i can understand, the rest is... i'm not so sure, so yes... i agree with him on those points. Once you really love someone, you bring him into your prayers, you wish for his happiness, you wish for his safety, you wish for his health, you wish everything good happen to him, and apparently you wish to be with him for the rest of your life. But... when the peek of your prayers isn't granted, you cannot be with him, or he has someone else, or worst, you both adore each other but you praise different God. Trust me, in Indonesia, religion is the most discussed topic, because the first fundamental of this country cites oneness of God. Let's put aside religion thing.
Bagi kalian yang telah merelakan ketidakbersamaan, maka aku rasa kalian pun sedang meleburkan rasa yang kalian sebut itu cinta. Ketika fase rela telah kalian capai, maka cinta sudah usai. Memupuk keikhlasan sedikit demi sedikit meski terkadang sakitnya masih terus berbisik-bisik.
Then i ask Mr. H, what if you say you've let someone go but you still want to have a role as the root support for him/her in his/her life even though he/she already has someone special in his/her life? is it really sincere letting go?
He said, do you still have a desire to have him?
I replied, well if i have the chance then why not, if it's not, it will be like whatever, what else i can do, surrender
He said, it means you are not ready to let it go, you still expect him to be yours, don't you?
I replied, a little...
He ended, well, you still have that feeling left.
so i conclude that being in love in real life isn't as easy as it sounds on love songs, and yet, it cannot easily being arranged beautifully to be a medley. Being in love in real life is tragedy, as if you can't only sing one romantic ballad song, it also includes electronic, rock, country, and even traditional songs, as if you can't imagine it like driving in highway, it's way more hilly, ups and downs, smooth and rocky. so, be careful ;)