After having a month jobless, now i realize how life can be so hard. My dad is a civil servant whose salary not much, he has to pay for my tution, my life accomodation, and i'm glad i will be graduating soon. But... My brother just graduated high school, he has to get in to university, he failed more than 5 tests in various ways, he got in to private university which has high tuition payment, it's five times mine. I don't know how my parents will handle it. Yet, they still have to take care of my sister, who hasn't been able to take care of herself.
I don't know maybe this is my bad day. My brother went to the bank this morning to pay his tuition, i was asked to accompany him, but i acted like i didn't care, i wanted him to be brave to do anything by himself, to be independent, because i was too. My sister had a fight with my mother over a can of wafer, what the hell. And my dad who used to be a balancing beam had to go on business trip. And i'm useless.
I need a high salary job, maybe overseas, sure it'll be scary out there, but i have to be strong no matter what happen. There, i can practice my english too, so i don't have to pay extra for ielts course, i have a living course there. Yet, if i paid in dollar, it'll be multiplied in rupiahs.
I wanna help my dad so bad. I can take my master studies later, even though i'm given scholarship, i just wanna help my dad first, now.
i mean... What was that?
It's been like a cycle for me, hot and cold every period of time.
Once i said i'd had enough, but the world conspired to drag me from the start again, and then it's being like this and that, until i came to the 'had enough' feeling again. I wonder why it is always coming back to it. I guess what you said sincere wasn't sincere enough either to make it crystal white clear out of the situation or completely close the door. How many times do i have to tell myself to call it quit?
and that's the intro of what i'll be writing about.
so recently, i found out that my dearest friend, Mr. B is engaged. Of course the whole world must've been shocked, he's only my age (maybe older one or two years - i'm 21), he hasn't had his graduation yet, i mean, it's such a young age, i know it doesn't mean they will get married soon, but... yeah you know.
i discussed it with Mr. H, he's such a poetical person that sometimes i don't get him. He was once having his heart broken by a girl, he mourned for a long time and expressed every single feeling in writing, and now he's being such an expert in love. He told me how he wanted to bring his parents to a girl house, but they refused, because they thought it was too soon and they thought he hadn't been ready yet, well he hasn't been graduated, he even hasn't finished his thesis, i mean... c'mon -___-. He asked me to read his writing on a post, it says :
Kalau ada yang bilang bahwa puncak dari cinta adalah doa, maka aku rasa batas akhir dari cinta adalah kerelaan. Karena aku tidak pernah sepakat bahwa cinta itu tidak harus memiliki.that's the first paragraph of his writing which i can understand, the rest is... i'm not so sure, so yes... i agree with him on those points. Once you really love someone, you bring him into your prayers, you wish for his happiness, you wish for his safety, you wish for his health, you wish everything good happen to him, and apparently you wish to be with him for the rest of your life. But... when the peek of your prayers isn't granted, you cannot be with him, or he has someone else, or worst, you both adore each other but you praise different God. Trust me, in Indonesia, religion is the most discussed topic, because the first fundamental of this country cites oneness of God. Let's put aside religion thing.
Bagi kalian yang telah merelakan ketidakbersamaan, maka aku rasa kalian pun sedang meleburkan rasa yang kalian sebut itu cinta. Ketika fase rela telah kalian capai, maka cinta sudah usai. Memupuk keikhlasan sedikit demi sedikit meski terkadang sakitnya masih terus berbisik-bisik.
Then i ask Mr. H, what if you say you've let someone go but you still want to have a role as the root support for him/her in his/her life even though he/she already has someone special in his/her life? is it really sincere letting go?
He said, do you still have a desire to have him?
I replied, well if i have the chance then why not, if it's not, it will be like whatever, what else i can do, surrender
He said, it means you are not ready to let it go, you still expect him to be yours, don't you?
I replied, a little...
He ended, well, you still have that feeling left.
so i conclude that being in love in real life isn't as easy as it sounds on love songs, and yet, it cannot easily being arranged beautifully to be a medley. Being in love in real life is tragedy, as if you can't only sing one romantic ballad song, it also includes electronic, rock, country, and even traditional songs, as if you can't imagine it like driving in highway, it's way more hilly, ups and downs, smooth and rocky. so, be careful ;)
Going all places, spending my pocket money for someones happiness is life goals. Even though i'm broke, even though i'm left behind, and there are whole lots of 'even though', but but but i can't resist to be touched myself when ones achieving one checkpoint in their life and to be a part of their achievement is a pride for me, having the same journey as a good friend, having a good memories on their best day. They will remember their best day for the rest of their life, and so will i.
So, this is an open letter for BrilKeLar
Hi oldies congratulation on your degree yaaa, soon enough you'll take off to do community service, eh? (Kkn), and i'll be having graduation, and will be separated wkwkwkwkwk sooo sooo sooo, so this is for you ke.
I'm not so sure when we first met when we both knew each other, i'm not so sure why we're destined to be side by side walking, running, talking, singing, gossiping, arguing, debating, jumping, falling, climbing, building our life together. But since that time you've helped me like A LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT, i can't remember every details but i'll take this opportunity to thank you infinitely and uncountably because whatever i did whatever happened you remained to be there. There. For all the sacrifices you made, for all the whole time i took from you, for every heartache i caused, i'm so so so sorry from the very deepest of my bronchus, lung, heart, and kidney. I, you, we never know what will happen in the future, but i wish you the whole world to be a successful woman, kind wife, incredible mom and on top of that still being my friendest friend for the rest of your life. Wikikikikik, bye.
If you read this please don't ever mention it in our real life, can't stand the awkwardness.
karena tahun ini tahun terakhir saya kuliah (aamiin) dan ini adalah semester ketika saya melepas semua kesibukan selain tugas kuliah. Doa saya untuk 3 lembaga yang telah menampung saya sejak 3 tahun terakhir.
BEM KMFT UGM
hai BEM, aku dulu milih kamu demi ngga jadi mahasiswa kupu - kupu, aku dulu milih kamu karena melihat ketua BEM orasi pas PPSMB itu keren, aku dulu milih kamu karena kakak pemanduku juga milih kamu. Maafin aku dulu sempet bosen sama kamu, maafin aku sering ngilang dengan berbagai alasan dan maafin aku pernah hampir bubarin kamu, tapi demi apapun itu demi kebaikan kamu, demi kamu yang jujur terbuka dan ngga arogan, ngga eksklusif dan ngga gerak sendiri.
untuk itulah aku berdoa buat kamu. siapapun nanti yang gantiin teman superhero aku, M. Hibatur Rahman, siapapun dia, semoga perjuangan teman superheroku ini tetap dijunjung tinggi, kesatuan teknik tetap terjaga, sekre KMFT untuk semua, ketua lembaga satu pikiran, integrasi kerja satu sama lain tetap terjaga, publikasi berjalan lancar, ngga ada tawur antar suporter km/hm, ngga ada protes protes ke BEM lagi, ngga ada #saveOase lagi karena aku harap semoga kita semua bisa tambah saling dewasa dan bisa nyelesein masalah dengan kepala dingin.
sekali lagi siapapun yang gantiin teman superhero aku, plis jangan putus perjuangan dia.
hai PAMIY, kamu adalah kesalahan aku di saat saat tertentu. Dulu bahkan aku underestimate kamu karena dulu yang ngajakin gabung ke kamu bukan kakak angkatan yang cukup hits buat jadi panutan. Tapi walaupun mereka ngga hits, mereka berhasil narik aku. Kali pertama aku official jadi bagian dari kamu, aku ditawari jadi calon pejabat tertinggi, tapi apalah, saat itu aku hanya tumbal untuk menggenapi jumlah calon, jadi tumbal biar ada calon dari ugm, jadi tumbal biar bergejolak, jadi tumbal biar ada yang cantik. Secara struktural dan fungsional kamu kacau, double job di mana mana, anggota ilang ilangan, koordinasi ngga jelas dsb dst. Tapi tanpa kamu, seorang Nida' ngga akan nekat keliling 7 univ di jogja dari ujung pasar ngasem sampek ujung jakal dalam waktu kurang dari 2 jam. Tanpa kamu, aku ngga pernah kenal siapa Agant yang pernah punya pengen masuk ugm, siapa kribo yang ternyata preman genius, siapa siho yang... emang ngga jelas, siapa reja yang rutin gonta ganti pacar, siapa milan yang pinter gitar, siapa zainal anak papua muka jawa, siapa bondan si petualang, siapa faiz onta, siapa dina emak emak bawel, siapa eno cantik yang ngga bisa begadang, siapa ikram aktivis yang kuliah ngga kelar kelar, siapa wazid yang allahuakbar kalemnya, siapa dinar mendes kw super, siapa yogo beruang kutub, siapa caca cantik, siapa alfa, siapa gondo taufiq sama cahyo bocah bocah ajaib, siapa abrar, siapa yelmi, siapa dera, siapa bejo dan yang lain yang ngga bisa disebutin satu satu. Next time we meet again, aku harap kmu udah ngga semenderita dulu, ngga seberantakan dulu, tapi lebih kekeluargaan dari dulu.
[Kosong, belum sempet ngelanjutin]
Hai Nana, Hai Nisa
I'm coming back for good.
I guess my 'garbage talking' ability has decreased a lot. So many things happened, and I'm sorry i haven't got either guts or time to share it openly. I'm not gonna tell you everything because yeah you know it'll be too long.
2015 was a bitch. Wiswakharman Expo, dethroned, promoted, 2-months without signal, without electricity and skipped ied with family-kind of community service, and then i met someone, criticism here and there, irresponsible, having an ex ministry studio lecturer for 6 months, pre-thesis, bored, heartbroken (not me), straight A. Those are the sums up
2016 was begun with too many dramas. How will it turn out? wish me luck!