I swear on my life if i didn't get the chance to go home is not my will.
I swear on my life i didn't make the second priority.
I swear on my life i love them to the moon and back.
But i want everyone to swear on their life to not judge me and assume i change.
I don't know lah.
This and that... Here and there. If only i could split my self up and not make any mess. Arranging pieces by pieces of life event, without even bad mouthing people.
If only people understand with no further elaboration.
At the time like this,
When you need everyone the most, when you can't handle anything by yourself. Dan tapi yaudah, boten angsal nggresulo :)
I got a ticket, in front of my dad's office. i had to go to the court next week, it's just because of my motorcycle's lamp didn't turn on.
And i didn't call my dad.
My 50k which should be in my pocket was gone. I thought it was slipped out when i took my phone in front of the police.
And i didn't call my mom.
Because of shocks and unprepared brakes, i fell from motorcycle. Luckily no bruise.
And everybody knew, i got my ankle sprained so i limped, that's why.
And all those journey finally ended at 10pm, and at that second i excused myself to just call it a day.
Your phone call today finally made my day. I know you miss me, i miss you too. Look i'm fighting now to get my dream, to make you happy, to make everything finally worth in the future. I'm sorry i can't make it home first thing first in the morning, i have a duty to be fulfilled, i promise you i'll go down town next week.
I'm sorry you have to go through anything on your own, i'm sorry i am never be a helping hand for you, i'm sorry wholeheartedly. I love you.
Because sometimes we don't need to be afraid to lose someone, if it's meant to be... It will be.
And don't expect too much, please stop making yourself to be miserable and hang on too tight
Ain't nobody running a country here, you can say we're not. Is asking for a little caring for one another a sin? Is asking for a help from a friend a criminal? They just don't know how it feels to be you.
She, who dare to take the responsibility, to take the risks, to take the blame and to sacrifice for her loved ones. She, who stand up for justice, defend who's right, help those whom in need and care for humanity.We completely know she's no perfect, there are flaws everywhere, she did make mistakes, but who didn't, right?
I remembered when we first met her, she smiled and hugged us as she already knew us for a long time, the way she stared at us showing no arrogance but confidence.
But, who am I kidding? we did have a lot of fight, she's stubborn enough to defend her arguments, bossy enough to lead us to some conclusions and strict enough about time management. But sure we know she did it for us, to discipline us.
She's such a sweetheart by letting all the laughs and the smiles spread around her freely and smartly hiding some problems behind it. She had another side that we didn't know, that introvert side of her.
You know... she's she. If only we had a chance to say one thing to her, we would say 'you're someone we look up to'"
okay, maybe that's too much :p I only have few friends who really know me and accept me that well, having a trauma of trusting people too much really affect daily life for sure. but imagining someone defend me from bad - back - talk about me is so touching for me, even more having the thought of how many people will cry at my funeral and how many of them will be really devastated by my death, it's just an absurd thinking.
I really need them who will catch my back, who will fully put trust on me, who will walk side by side with me, because I just got some kind of big responsibility, which is rare for a girl to be on it because it's men majority in my faculty and some people are just not believing me because i'm a girl who used to use heart more than brain, who used to overthink small matters, who used to be weaker. I don't deny those statement, because it does happen... sometimes. but the responsibility's just put in my hand, and by that, of course i won't bail. And when there's something new in my life, it's like part of me whispers 'WHY THE HELL NOT'
c'mon 'negara api' gimme your best shot!
then you meet that person, then you mislead your feeling and forget how will you take it in a real life mode.
no celebratory, no garbage talk, not even a hello, just a random shout out of nowhere.
then the competition begin. which of us live happier, which of us be more adventurous, which of us have more interesting story. i don't know, it's just numb.
until the end of that event, neither of us even have a single real conversation of how we miss each other, how you live, how i live, how i've been through this year. none, it's just one ambiguous goodbye-hug being a score. and that's that haha.
“O my Sustainer! Open up my heart and make my task easy for me, and loosen the knot from my tongue so that they might fully understand my speech.”
sometimes people want it really happens one time
that moment when you think Lucy will be the one who will be called by teacher, and there she was. Being called. that might be a coincidence.
when the countdown of the traffic light was broken, and you didn't know when the green light would be on, but you did count from the time you stop, 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..., and it's on. that might be a probability.
when you met someone, the one who make your tummy full of butterflies, in an unexpected time and place. that might be serendipity.
that serendipity that you'd been waiting for.
the wish to hit on that person accidentally that made your eyes widen looking for that familiar gaze.
when people over-trusted you while you know you can't do it
what will you do?
Ratna Mutumanikam. it is said that Indonesia is a wealthy country with its whole kind of timbers, plants, animals, golds, oil and such. the air is clearer than other country, it still has a lot of rain forests, it has hundreds kind of culture, it has a lot of volcanoes, it has thousands islands, the people is friendly, its geographical site places on very strategic spot, and there are many more i can't tell what this beautiful country posses.
but sometimes i just regret to be born in this country, instead of there's so many corruptions everywhere, the bureaucracy is so complicated, the government makes a simple demand to have hundreds steps. so the people has the mind set of 'better not doing it as the procedure' because it's too complicated, we have to go here and there to set some documents going back again, being told to go there again and so on. by having a complicated bureaucracy, there's so many hole of control, and that will be a perfect spot to do corruption and its friends - such as collusion, nepotism, money laundry etc -.
and what make me even sadder is the exchange rate from rupiahs to us dollars is so high, so when we go abroad everything seems more expensive :(
with its million people which spread in different islands yet separated by ocean, it's difficult to make a big change in Indonesia, the mind set of its people also hardly can be changed. in fact, if Indonesia can stand by itself with its own treasure, i'm sure Indonesia is unbeatable in the future. and to achieve that i will start with my own self, how about you?
once, i was in elementary school, my weight was just 28 kgs, i had a long hair tied together in rubber ban, i'd been learning 20 new english vocabularies when my teacher asked me what i would i be when i got bigger, i had seconds to think about it, then i said, i wanted to be an astronaut. i didn't know why but surely there's something fishy in my teacher's smile. he said "Good", the he walked away and moved to question another children. majority answered they wanted to be a teacher, and back then i thought "Are you kidding me? do you wanna teach a kid like that" i said while pointing to the most naughty boy in class, and that naughty boy happened to have a dream being a pilot. Good one.
i was so sure i wanted to be an astronaut, it was fun just thinking about it. the way that i could float in the air, the way i saw thousand stars, being a part of milky way. there's a day when i went to school and it was a really foggy morning that i could only see things in 3 meters in distance, i saw the whole paddy field i used to see was just like a huge cloud on the ground and it's just like there were no boundaries, there's no sign of limitation. so i assumed "oh, this is how it feels to have no boundaries, maybe the space is just like this", and it was scary.
so by the time being, little by little, the biggest dream of my life is vanished. as i grow up, now i know, it's not affordable, it's possible but hardly come true. first, it's bloody expensive, i don't know exactly how much but even i sell my soul it won't be enough. second, i don't know how to do it, i don't know what profession i shall take to be an astronaut. third, even if i can afford it, it will be a wasted to spend things that i earn on my own sweat for something like that, i'll rather take the whole family to Mecca or go on a world tour or go to Taylor Swift's concert or feed my country with my money than just take myself to the moon.
as people growing older, also, they getting more logical, rational and realistic. that's why people, including me, looking for a job by the money that earned. and those magical dreams fade away, it doesn't mean that what we dreamed about was childish, hell no sir, if you think so, that childish thought was your root of life, one goal that being the seed of your highest leave, the background of your own drama... until this day.
even though i no longer try to achieve my biggest dream ever, but having the thought that i'd ever wanted to be that, always makes me proud enough. and if other people laugh at it, i will laugh back, i find it funny too.
i haven't fully believed until now, this is my first time to be a part of this kind of competition. and then i'm in a group of the best five, then the best three, then....
i was so lucky to have them to be my teammate, i know i'm useless and they're just too great. and thanks for Keke for babysitting me :p
God, please help me, let me live
.... the life worth living
THANK GOD I'M ALIVE
don't make any excuse to have fun anymore, i know it's still your holiday, but everybody has already taken a step forward, and you must too.
you know the pressure is made by yourself. so start from something small, kid. all you need to do is start, like your friend said.
so... yeah, i met my high school friends yesterday, mostly not my classmates. it's been more than a year since we saw each others in our uniform. i guess i'll be lucky to call them my friends.
literally i didn't really miss him, i barely hung out with them also, but i just missed them right away when i saw them. they're not my closest friends, but i really respect them too much,
the way they respected my decision when last year i rejected their offers to help them in our final assignments, and they didn't talk bad about me or isolate me then, they were just 'yeah, if that's so, then what we can do, it's your own choice'.
the way they treat me like their young sister, yeah apparently i'm younger and smaller or.. okay shorter. they're so nice to me even though i see them mostly like a bad boy - mostly male -, they do things i don't, like smoking, harsh talking and such.
the way they see that i'm not changing a bit, even though it's just kinda like formality they have to say when meeting people, but i didn't mind. i didn't mind tossing hands with them, i didn't mind when they squeezed my head when they found me didn't get any taller.
oh also, my friends who never talked to me during high school years, even though he did attend same course and same junior high with me, finally talked to me even made fun of me like we're a long lost siblings -__-
and there's one who just confessed that he stalked me, especially my blog, hi Luri!
that's the first time after graduation one and a half year ago, i came to school again without any burden, without any distraction, without my classmates wandering around - because yeah so much going on and it's pretty tense there -
feel blessed? hell yeah :)
i miss you goddamn much.
i have a lot to tell you.
you've been away for a while.
you've been too kind to let your whole way being blocked by the clouds.
you've been too kind.... too kind.