One Midnight Thought

12:06 AM

this is midnight, and all i can do is nothing. i've been rolling in my bed for more than an hour and still can not sleep. this thing that pushes the blood all over my body keeps beating faster, i try to imagine anything good from the impossible until the absurd one, but none of those drag me to a calmer feeling. those another terrifying things spinning around as if there's merry-go-round full of evils above my head.
i didn't really interact with people today, cause it's a holiday, i just spent a whole day at home, 'cept this evening i had to see my friend, he's just got home after having a surgery. it's fun, then again when everything's back home, i have to face people whom i have to make them proud of, big burden. oh no, it's not a burden, it is a responsibility.
i still can't sleep, i don't even have any intention to close my eyes, but blink. there's no one left i can talk to right now, one of them just waved 'good night' to me, i used to have another one i'm sure that person already sail through the ocean of dream. they're really nice, God gives the best, no doubt, la haula wa la kuwata illa billah.
i really have no idea what tomorrow will be, all i can think is... okay, tomorrow will be just okay. all the matters in school really make me wanna move to another town, or country if i may. sometimes, i just wonder how my friends will react if i leave school and decide to move, will they cry for me? will they be sad? will they feel lost?. the same thing, i always wonder what they will do if i die. lucky me, some of my friends already know my place, so they know where will my funeral be. i really want them to make a kind of memorial for me hahaha, duh! as if i'm a famous singer.
i've been thinking to make a counting of my bless, but it'll never be enough till my fingers broken. there are so many things in this world we should be grateful for, start from a tiny thing, breathing is the best thing we have to be thankful, but people sometimes forget that and start to feel so miserable.
i wanna confess, my friends. sometimes i'm really sick of you, one is so arrogant, one is so miss perfect, one is so queen of the world, one is so clueless, one is so rude, one is so selfish. but the think i always remember is i own all of those adjective, i'm the combination of those people, means i'm as bad as i think they are, or even more. i'm not mature enough. exhibit A: i'm still talk bad about people, i know everybody does, but i think i'm the worst. hint for you guys, my silence is the indication of my decreasing happy-o-meter only for the person whom i shut him/her up.
i'm scared to death because of my over self-confidence. sometimes, it's out of control. sometimes, it makes me hurt people. sometimes, it makes me to tie up the situation and pull it to my own kingdom. sometimes, it makes me friend with superman, batman and catwoman, what am i? lazywoman. sometimes, it brings me to the well of sorrow, cause it gives a high expectation though.
okay, i'm starting to be sleepy. good thing i have an escape here. oh my God it's been 00:46, and once again i'm doing nothing but typing.
geez, i always end up writing something about my unworthy life, really i swear i really want to post something good, i'll try a short story maybe one day. because it's my online not-too-personal diary, i ... sometimes don't like people to read especially in front of me and honestly i'm super uncomfortable if they talk about what i write on my blog in public. yes, all the information here is total honest from myself, but don't you think you know me well through this site. my big 'who i am' and 'my secret' are never gonna be easily written understandably here.
well, before i spell a name, i should've ended these priceless paragraphs. good morning everyone, have a good life.

xoxo, F

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